the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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