I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
