Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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