I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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