Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
