So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
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Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
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Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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