oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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