But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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