And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
