I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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