I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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