Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
