Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
