Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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