Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
