How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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