i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
