Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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