Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
