if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
