The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
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