I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
