i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
