I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Found the puke drawer
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
50% drunk capacity currently
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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