The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
