I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
