imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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