I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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