I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
