how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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