I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
