Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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