Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
