a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
