There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
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why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
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Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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