This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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