You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
