I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
