My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Someone came in the potted fern
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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