You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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