I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
last night I used snow as a chaser
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
