Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
