I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
