Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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