feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
