woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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