I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
