If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
