Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
