people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
