i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
