I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
