birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
