I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
