Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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