yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
