is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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