just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
