You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
