She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
