she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
