i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
