JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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