Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
