It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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