Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
