What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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