speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Oh god it's open bar.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
