that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
