I cannot find my penis.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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